Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Randomize
