I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
