my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
