Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize