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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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