Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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