The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
