I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
