If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
