My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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