Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
