When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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