If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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