Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
