my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
