i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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