Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
