tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We have so much sex to catch up on
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
