I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
