its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I need to calm my uterus...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
