I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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