My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
