I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
