Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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