the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
