Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
