I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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