She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
