Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
