Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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