Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
The ass gains better be worth it
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