tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
