I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Randomize
