I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
