we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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