So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
being pregnant is like rehab
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
