Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
