I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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