Dude my mom stole all your condoms
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
