thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
