Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
