allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
