she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
