Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
