he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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