hell yes lets make some ravioli
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
