someone get that fucking seahorse.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
