Tell her she can't have a vagina
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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