sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
