I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
