Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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