i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
